Believe In Yourself

What one thing do anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and lack of confidence all have in common? The

answer – a negative self-concept. Your self-concept is your belief of who you really, truly are. Deep down beneath any pretending, any masking or showmanship, it’s what you truly believe about yourself. These are core beliefs that others could tell you are nonsense, and you would still feel like they are cold hard facts. Many of us hold these negative self-concepts, and they exert a negative influence over our lives, affecting our relationships and our ability

to succeed and create the lives we truly want.

So where do they come from?‘

"So tell me about your childhood?" The cliché phrase uttered by every T.V therapist. The idea of being asked this question makes a lot of people cringe. But your childhood is important, because it was in childhood that you were exposed to new people, experiences, and environments, and developed your understanding of the world in which you live. We all have our own personal perspective of the world; this is because we all had different experiences. Our minds cope with the cascade of information it takes in on a daily basis, by making meaning of our experiences. Here are some examples: A young child gets teased by a group - they may understand this to mean, that groups of people are bad, and to be avoided. If this experience is repeated and the meaning is unaltered, he may find himself socially anxious as an adult.

A young girl receives constant criticism from her father – the meaning? ‘I must be bad, unworthy, unlovable. As an adult, she may find herself discounting red flags in potential partners and allowing others to treat her poorly. She may find herself in abusive relationships as she understands poor treatment to be normal within a close relationship, and to be expected, as she is, ‘bad.’

We tend to blame ourselves in childhood, as we understand Adults to be wiser, smarter, and stronger, and we need them to be these things, to make us feel safe. They are there to protect us and care for us. So, if our adults are constantly critical of us, they withhold affection, or perhaps they are too distracted by their work or their own emotional difficulties. Then as children seeking to understand this world, we develop the deeply held beliefs that we must be bad, we must be unlovable, we must not make the grade, otherwise they would accept us for who we are, show us the love we need, validate our experiences, and help us to feel safe. You don’t need to have experienced abuse in childhood to have developed a negative self-concept. In childhood, we are delicate beings. Every experience helps us develop our understanding of who we are, and when others respond to us, it’s like they are holding up a mirror before us, and we look and say, ‘Ah this is who I am,’ we take on board the way others see us, and we understand this by their responses. So, the loving and well-meaning mother, who does her best, but struggles to be responsive because she is struggling with her own anxiety, unfortunately, may communicate to her child that they are not worthy of her time. As she shouts in frustration, overwhelmed by her anxiety, her child may understand this to mean, ‘I am bad.’ I’m not seeking to demonise anyone’s parents here, most of the time they are doing the best they can, given their circumstances and their own negative self-concepts. What I do want to communicate here is that our experiences in childhood exert a great deal of influence over how we see ourselves, and when we recognise where those deeply held beliefs originate, we can start to truly question their validity.

So, when you find yourself questioning your own worth,

ask yourself these questions:

When have I felt this way before?

Something about the current situation may have triggered emotional memories from a previous event. When you pause to consider, why is this making me so sad/bad/angry, especially if your emotions seem out of proportion to the current event, you may find a deeply held belief, from an earlier experience is at the root.

What does this say about me?

Again, if you find yourself responding with heightened emotions which seem excessive given the circumstance, ask yourself what the situation says about you. What meaning are you making from the event?

For example, someone you respect criticises you, and you feel distraught. Ask, ‘What does this say about me?’ You may quickly find those negative core beliefs are at work, as you recognise feelings of being, ‘not good enough.’

So can you change your core beliefs? 

Perhaps, but remember, they took time to develop, and they take time to change. A great starting point is recognising where these beliefs are influencing your responses to the events of today. And then choosing to respond differently. It goes something like this…

Hmmm, I’m really angry with him for saying that, in fact I’m furious!

but, my anger seems a little excessive…

Why am I so angry?....

I recall feeling this way a few times in the past…..

Dad used to make me feel this way….

Perhaps that’s why I’m so furious now…

I’ll give myself time to cool off before I respond.

 

One last example…

A young girl aspiring to be an Artist, watches her older brother produce much better art, receiving praise for his abilities. She looks at her own effort and decides it’s just not good enough, she’s not good enough. She holds onto this belief throughout adulthood. As an adult she starts a project and then gives up before it is finished, she just can’t stop believing that she’s not good enough, despite evidence to the contrary. After learning about her self-concept and why she keeps self-sabotaging, she tentatively begins to make her art. This gives her much joy and satisfaction, she’s not there yet, but she is starting to believe that perhaps, she is good enough. It took recognising why she felt this way, recognising that her beliefs were based on lies, and providing herself the evidence to the contrary – doing the thing she was scared to do.

 

As you recognise the core beliefs at the root of your current difficulties, you can begin to question their validity. This is a long process, there is no overnight remedy for a negative self-concept. But as you begin to recognise your core beliefs, when/ where, and how they are influencing your responses to today’s experiences, you can start to reduce their negative influence over your life. In the process, recognise and applaud yourself for your mature, controlled, and wise behaviour. Working against core beliefs can feel scary, applaud yourself for your courage, for, ‘feeling the fear and doing it anyway.’ In recognising this, you are giving yourself evidence of the truth. You are strong, capable, and have great worth.

Believe in yourself

Until next time

Victoria